I recently got an email from a wife whose husband had been becoming increasingly distant and cold to her. He had begun hinting that perhaps they should try a trial separation or taking some space from one another. Of course, this was the exact opposite of what the wife wanted. In her mind, the best case scenario was that the two of them would be able to pull together, work things out, and ride the storm as a team.
But, the more the wife make her stance clear to the husband, the more he pulled away from her. It was as if her affection and longing were only turn offs at this point. The wife wasn’t sure which strategy she should take. More and more, it was looking as if he were going to take the space with or without her blessing. But she suspected that once he began to move further away, he might not ever come back to her. So, she was understandably resistant to this.
Actually, there’s a reasonable happy medium where both people can at least get some of what they want. And the result will usually give you your best chance of getting your husband back with you, back with the marriage, and back on board with making things better. I’ll discuss this more in the following article.
Sometimes, The More A Husband Is Pushing You Away, The More You’re Tempted To Pull Him Toward You: This is just human nature that is most commonly driven by fear. Afraid that you’re going to let him get away, you only cling more tightly. But, if he’s not receptive to this, then his inclination is going to be to intensify his efforts to get away and break free. You run the risk of him seeing you as something that is too confining and must be escaped. This is not the position that you likely want to place yourself in.
If this is the scenario that you’re finding yourself in, it will often be in your best interest to change the dynamics of this as soon as you possibly can. You really can’t afford for him to see you as something that is standing between him and his happiness or freedom. You will usually have to set it up so that he suspects or hopes that both things can exist at the same time.
Changing Things Up When You Can Feel Him Moving Away From You: Believe me when I say that I completely understand your reluctance and fear. I was in this situation and I remember exactly how scared, unsure, and vulnerable it left me feeling. But, I also know first hand that is you portray yourself as the person who is so scared that you have so little to offer that he’s going to leave you and never come back, then you’re coming from a place or weakness rather than strength.
If you portray yourself in this way, your husband will often see you as unattractive. After all, in his mind, why else would you be so afraid to give him a little time and space? You will actually appear to be much more attractive and appealing if you can portray confidence in yourself and in his love for you. You’re much better off saying something like “listen, I love you and want you to be happy. Of course you can take the time that you need. I could probably use the same time to sort things out on my end. Along to way, we can check in and see where to go from there.”
As risky as this might feel, you’ve accomplished many things here. You’ve set yourself up as someone who wants for him to be happy, not someone who he sees standing in the way of his happiness. And, you’ve set it up so that you will have some access to him during the time apart. (In some situations, he won’t even need to leave to accomplish this.) Plus, you’ve hinted that you will be taking time for yourself also. This will make him wonder a bit, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Setting Things Up So That You Get Him To Come Back To You Very Willingly: Often, when women ask me how they can “make” their husband come back to them, I have to explain that really, you can’t “make” someone do what they are truly resistant to. Even if you are able to, they will resent you for you. But, what you can to is to set up the environment and circumstances so that it is conducive to them wanting to come back.
You can do this by portraying yourself with dignity and positive emotions. Whatever you do, do not dwell on the negative. Try to show him the vibrant, happy go lucky, and laid back woman that he likely fell in love with. You don’t want to show him the fearful, insecure, and struggling person that you perhaps feel like right now. You want the environment to be a light hearted one when you together. Do not place additional pressure on the situation. Don’t cling. Don’t ask for reassurances. It’s very important that you portray confidence that it will all work out in the end.
Often, this attitude will intrigue a husband and he will want to spend more time with you to see just what brought about this change of heart. And when he does, you’re best bet is to continue to move slowly and to not let down your guard until you’re both equally committed and ready to start again.